This marriage institution: Things do happen behind the curtains that would leave our mouth hanging but still, God created a beautiful institution. I don’t want to analyse anybody’s life or marriage because I know what it is for people to scrutinize my life and shred it to pieces. Some things are better left untold or unexplained! But what I can say is that I have learned a lot in recent years, from my personal life and from others. What I began to tell clients and friends after my divorce is to be, INTENTIONAL. Marriage is more than the rush of adrenaline we get from all our display of “love.” It is deeper than that. Yesterday a man called me (let me call him Toaster number 13, he has been on my case for so long and expect that I should say yes to dating) to let me know that I am heartless with a little sense of arrogance. I busted out laughing but it felt good to hear that. You may not understand but I told myself I will never cross my own boundaries for anyone, ever again! My purpose in life as a woman is not to end up with another man that can’t fit right into my future. Relationship is more than having sex or going out for dinner and talking for hours on the phone. There’s more to my life than looking sexy for a man.

What can we both offer and bring to the table as couples? What you have may be just perfect for someone else and useless to me. When it comes to relationship now, I AM VERY INTENTIONAL. If I can’t see you in my purpose in the next ten years at least, there’s no point to be together. I am thankful to God that I have a roof over my head, I can afford to eat whatever I want or crave. If I get tired of base or work, I can pick my passport and pick anywhere I want to be and off I go. I don’t need to be home for my children to get by nor do I have a baby to change diaper for, so I don’t need an adult at home to be a caregiver. If I get myself into a relationship now, it should be companionship to be enjoyed. A man that appreciates my life and not intimidated by it. A man that will not feel threatened by my success even when he is doing great on his own. A man that knows how to live and pamper a woman. I have raised my children and still raising them, I don’t need a man that I will be babysitting. When you want something when you are comfortable in your skin and contented in your spirit, there’s no reason to be desperate. When you are ready for a relationship and not in any race, you are likely to get the best that your heart desires. So, if knowing what I want or need makes me heartless and arrogant; I receive the award with gladness. Dear Toasters, thank you for showing interest but I can’t continue to be a fool even in my 50s!  No matter what age you are; you should know your purpose as an adult. If you don’t know, get clarity about it. Get a Coach to help you if need be. When you know who you are and what you have planned for your future (at least plan for the next ten years of your life) and work towards it. When you have clarity about your life, you will be intentional about who you bring into it.

We sometimes plan and things may not work the way we hope but you are assured to take a detour and still navigate to your destination. Set boundaries and don’t cross it when you are desperate. There’s no way you can choose at the point of desperation and not make a mistake. Don’t choose a partner because you are rushed or bullied into doing it. Don’t overlook any red flags thinking the other person will change, you can’t change anyone. And when you are going into a blended family affair, think about all the drama that may or may not come with it. Grow up and be man or woman enough to make your own decisions without you allowing family or friends influences to affect your destiny. It is always a mistake especially on the women part to want to manage a man or think you can bring him to your own standards. It mostly ends up in disasters.

If he wasn’t your standard when you started, he may never be up to that standard. Stop grooming men to your taste, he will always go back and find his own tastes and standards. You sometimes wonder why a man will leave an elegant, beautiful, intelligent, caring, and loving wife to be sleeping with his Secretary or domestic staffs? That’s a standard he can understand and dominate. No matter how his standard has been raised by yours or his money or affluences, he will go back to base. Same goes to the woman! That’s the comfort zone and that’s how he can feel like he’s in charge. You wonder why some powerful or influential women figure it all out except in choosing the right guy? Majority of us think we need a man to be validated. Just stop it! You are powerful enough, strong enough, independent enough and you are an achiever on your own. With or without a man, You are enough in every way.

YOU DON’T NEED A MAN TO COMPLETE YOU NOR DO YOU NEED A MAN TO VALIDATE YOUR STRENGTH OR PURPOSE. You need a man to complement your purpose. You should be in each other’s life to achieve purpose not disturbing each other purpose or destiny. If it doesn’t feel or fit right, it’s probably not right. Either you are single and never married or been married before and still hopeful; discover yourself and know who you are, what you want and who can fit in that purpose. Don’t just settle for less! Is Kunle still going to be relevant in your life in the next ten or twenty years? Or is Busola still going to give you that butterfly in your stomach even if she has attained more success than you? Can you build together as a couple and call it “Our own” or you plan to build separately and still be there for each other, no matter what? Can your tolerance last longer than when the children are all gone, or you are just using the children as your excuse to tolerate each other for now? Have you wonder why older couples wait till the children are all out of the house then divorced?

Please don’t ever get married to satisfy everyone else or live your marital life to satisfy everyone else. When all is been said and done, it’s your life that is left broken or shattered. Know that it is not every relationship that ends in marriage, don’t force it because you look good together or people want you together. Enjoy each other’s companionship and every moment of your togetherness. Date each other and marriage is not mandatory. If it’s not working, let go! Enjoy dating and don’t feel obligated to end it in marriage, be true to yourself. Trust me, life can be so beautiful, and marriage can be so fun and enjoyable with so much happiness, but you have to be with the RIGHT PERSON. How do you know this person is right for you? You have to know you first and be sure about who you are, what you really want and what your life purpose is. If sex is your problem that may make you rush and be desperate, please go and buy a toy. If you are lonely, get busy. If you just need a man to shoulder your burden or finances, please go and be financially independent first. The value you build for yourself will actually bring the right person most times. Raise your value and see how your circle becomes better!

Men don’t lie to yourself; it is not every man that can handle a successful woman, if God just open her door wider than yours support her with everything. Some of these successful women are the humblest humans I have seen. An average woman will do anything for the man she loves without raising an eyebrow. Just be her support pillar and see how easy life will be for you both. If you know your own purpose and have married the right woman, you don’t need to worry about nothing. Marriage is beautiful, it is not a scam, but we need to stop scamming ourselves. If you love and care for someone, don’t bet take it for granted, give all it takes and enjoy the peace that comes with it. Just be INTENTIONAL and give your best!

Whatever way you think about it, unmask, and live your life to the fullest. Enough said for now…May God give us wisdom for living and may we not be in a wrong relationship that will derail our destiny. If you are already in one, it is not too late to make things work but you both must work for it. May God show us mercy and restore back to us the joy of His salvation. May this new month of July bring peace, prosperity and all the happiness that we desire. Shalom. Have a beautiful July.

Dr Olubusola, is an American based Life Coach and author of the book, Unmasking The Soul - Steps to Freedom and Healing From Domestic Abuse